Thank heavens

After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

Letter home from school…

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on.

A week later….. a letter from “home”

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

A cucumber, a Pen!s and an Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a pen!s were talking.

The cucumber says “I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad.”

The olive says “That’s nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza.”

The pen!s says “You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up”

Seriously Awkward Moment

Seriously Awkward Moment

Nope, but I’ve been swung around by the nipples on a couple of occasions

There’s this little old lady who has always wanted to join a biker gang, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.
She boldly proclaims “I want to join your club.” The guy is amused and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies “Yep… My bikes over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks “Do you drink?” The little old lady replies, “Yep, I drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker then asks, “Do you smoke?” The old lady replies, “Yep I smoke like a chimney. 2 packets a day, 3 joints and a couple of cigars in the evening while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “You sound like one bad mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The old lady thinks for a moment and replies “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by the nipples on a couple of occasions!

-by Laura